Key points
- Time-out removes your child from attention and fun to stop serious misbehavior.
- Use time-out for dangerous, harmful, or rule-breaking behavior.
- Keep time-out brief, safe, and distraction-free.
- End with praise and reinforce positive behavior.
Overview
Time-out is when your child is removed from where the misbehavior happened. Your child is away from all fun things. They do not get any attention in time-out.
Time-out is not used for all misbehaviors. Some behaviors like whining can be addressed by redirecting your attention. Distracting your child with a toy or a song can also help prevent or stop misbehavior.
Behaviors that cannot be ignored or redirected with distraction should be followed by a consequence that will stop the misbehavior. Removal of privileges and time-outs can be used to stop misbehavior.
When to use time-out
There are four times when time-out may be a good choice:
- Your child does something dangerous, like running in the street. A time-out in this situation gives your child a clear understanding that these behaviors are never okay.
- Your child does something harmful, like hurting another child. A time-out can help your child understand that hurting others is never okay.
- Your child breaks a family rule. Make sure your child knows the family rules and understands that a consequence for breaking the rules may be a time-out.
- Your child does not follow your direction after a warning. If your child does not follow your directions after one warning, time-out may be a good consequence.
Steps for using time-out
When children misbehave and parents try to correct them, there can be a lot of strong feelings and emotions. A time-out allows the parent and child time to calm down. It is helpful to practice what will happen in a time-out with your child before you need to use it.
If your child misbehaves in a way that calls for a time-out (like not following directions), give a time-out warning. The time-out warning needs to be spoken calmly, clearly, and as a statement (not as a question). Let your child know that they will go to time-out if they keep misbehaving.
For example, if you tell your child to put away their toys and they do not listen, you might say, "If you don't put away your toys, then you are going to time-out." Wait about five seconds.
If your child follows directions after the warning, praise them. You could say, "I really like it when you listen and put away your toys just like I asked!" If your child doesn't listen, follow through with a time-out. Always follow through with time-out after you give the warning, and your child does not listen.
Tell your child they are going to time-out and explain why. Tell your child, "You have to go to time-out because you didn't put away your toys." You should say this only once. Say it in a calm but firm voice.
When you are telling your child why they are going to time-out:
- Do not lecture, scold, or argue.
- Do not accept any excuses.
- Do not talk to your child while taking them to time-out.
- Do ignore shouting, protesting, and promises to be good.
Lead your child by the hand or safely carry them to the time-out space. When you get to the time-out space, tell them to sit or stand. Tell them to stay in the time-out space until you say they can get out.
A good rule is to give one minute of time-out for every year of the child's age. This means that a two-year-old would be in time-out for two minutes, and a three-year-old would have a three-minute time-out. When your child is in time-out don't let anyone talk with them and don't let them play with anything.
Getting children to remain in time-out is sometimes easier said than done. If your child gets out of the time-out space, put them back and do not talk to them. When you first use time-out, you may have to return your child to time-out several times.
Your child should be quiet before leaving the time-out space. When your child is quiet for five seconds at the end of time-out, tell them they can get out.
If your child got time-out for breaking a family rule or for doing something dangerous, you should remind your child of the behavior you expect. For example, you can say, "Remember our rule: always put your toys away when you're done."
If the time-out was for not following your direction, repeat the direction. Your child needs to follow your directions, even after time-out.
If your child still refuses to follow directions, they should go back to time-out. It may take several times before your child learns that you mean what you say.
Focus on the next positive thing your child does and give enthusiastic praise! Sometimes giving your child the chance to follow another direction allows you to praise them. Again, if your child does not follow directions, you should repeat the time-out.
Time-out in different situations
Do what you would normally be doing when your child is in time-out but stay close enough to know if your child is doing anything dangerous or tries to leave the time-out spot. Remember, no one should give your child any attention while they are in time-out. Do not look at, talk to, or touch your child.
When two children are arguing or fighting, knowing who started it is less important than giving a consequence to both children for misbehaving. Choosing sides does not allow children the chance to solve their own problems.
Putting both children in time-out is better because you do not have to take sides, you do not reward the children with attention for fighting, and both children are receiving a consequence. Make sure to send the children to different time-out spots. Then follow the regular time-out steps with both children.
If your child is mishandling a toy or fighting with another child over the toy, you can consider putting the toy in time-out (and not your child). Putting the toy in time-out can be used if you do not want to put your child in time-out too often. It is a way to teach your child self-control and still decrease misbehaviors without too much time spent in time-out by your child.
To do this, just take the toy away and put it in time-out. After the time-out is over, tell your child why the toy was in time-out and then have your child say why the toy was in time-out.
Choose the right place for time-out
A time-out chair is the most common place parents use for time-out. An adult-sized, wooden kitchen chair often works best. If you use a small, child-sized chair, your child can easily move the chair around.
It is important for your child’s safety to choose a sturdy time-out chair that they cannot rock or move. Avoid chairs that rock, chairs with soft cushions, and chairs with pictures and graphics on them. Remember, this is a time-out from things your child likes
If a time-out chair is not available, you can use other items like a small blanket or mat to show your child where to sit on the floor for a time-out. You can also take these with you in case you need to put your child in time-out away from home. Keep an eye on your child to make sure they do not start playing with the blanket or mat if you use them instead of a chair.
Choose a time-out place that is away from toys, people, windows, TVs, radios, and anything else your child likes. Often, the best place for time-out is at the end of a hallway. This area is usually away from people and things in your home that your child likes.
If you need to use the bedroom as a time-out area, remove the toys from the room.
If you use a separate room:
- Make sure it is safe and your child does not have access to things that are breakable or can cause harm, like glass objects, chemicals, or detergents.
- Do not turn off the lights during time-out and never use a closet. You don't want to scare your child. The goal is to remove all attention and fun things, so your child does not like going to time-out.
- Do not leave your young child unsupervised for long periods of time. Stay nearby so you can monitor what is happening.
Sit in the space yourself. Stretch out your arms and legs. Make sure that your child cannot hit or kick the wall. Being able to kick or hit the wall may be fun for your child. If you cannot touch anything, your child will not be able to touch anything either.
Tips for time-out
- Explain time-out or show it to your child in a way they can understand. Showing your child exactly what to do when you give a time-out can help the time-out go smoothly and be more likely to work. You may need to show your child several times so they can remember.
- Practice time-out with your child when you are both in a good mood. Then, have your child tell you what happens during time-out. By doing this, you can be sure they understand.
- Make sure your child knows what behavior leads to a time-out. For example, when you create a list of family rules, let your child know time-out is the consequence if the rule is broken.
- Tell your child where time-outs will happen. Let your child know the rules and steps for time-out.
- Use time-out the same way every time. When the steps of time-out are predictable, time-outs are more likely to help improve your child's misbehavior.
- Focus on one misbehavior first. When you first start using time-out, focus on a single misbehavior you would like to stop, such as biting.
- Time-out should happen immediately after the misbehavior. The faster the time-out happens, the more likely your child will learn that their behavior led to the time-out.
- Do not threaten your child with a time-out. If you forget to follow through, your child may not believe you are serious about time-out. If you want to use a time-out to stop misbehavior, it is best to use it immediately after the misbehavior.