Key points
- Family rules help kids know what is okay and not okay.
- Say rules clearly and explain what to do instead.
- Make sure all caregivers follow the same rules.
- Remind often, praise good behavior, and use consequences when needed.
Overview
Family rules help create structure. A family rule is a specific, clear statement about behaviors you expect from your child. Family rules help children understand what behaviors are okay and not okay. As children grow, they will be in places where they have to follow rules. Following rules at home can help children learn to follow rules in other places. Rules work best when there is consistency, predictability, and follow-through.
Steps for creating family rules
The number of rules you set depends on your child's ability to understand and remember. It is also hard for parents to consistently enforce lots of new rules. Toddlers and preschoolers can only learn and remember two to three rules at any one time. As your child learns a rule and follows it consistently, you can add new rules.
Identify and clearly define the rules. Family rules should be realistic and fit your child's age and capabilities. The rule should be something that your toddler and preschooler can do and remember. Try starting with one rule to give children a chance to learn how family rules work before others are added.
Unacceptable behaviors should be stated as a clear and specific rule, such as "No hurting others." It is also important to state the acceptable or desired behavior immediately after the rule, so your child knows what behavior you expect.
For example, if you have told your child, "No hurting others," you can follow that up with "You need to keep your hands and feet to yourself." Avoid vague rules, such as "be good." "Be good" includes many different things and could be hard for a child to understand.
Examples of common family rules:
- No interrupting. Wait for your turn to speak.
- No yelling in the house. Use an inside voice when talking in the house.
- No climbing or jumping on furniture. Sit on the couch or lie down on the bed.
Make sure your child knows and understands the rules. If possible, try having them repeat the rule in their own words. For toddlers and preschoolers, you may need to help them understand what some words in the rule mean.
For example, if the rule is “no hurting others,” you may need to describe what “hurting” means. When a child first hits, bites, or kicks someone, you may need to say, “Hitting is hurting. Our rule is no hurting. You should keep your hands to yourself.”
Because you've called these "family rules", it's important that your child sees everyone in the family following the rules. This prevents children from getting mixed messages about what is okay or not okay. For example, you want dinner time to be family time, so you set a family rule that no screens are allowed during dinner time.
If another caregiver checks their phone during dinner, your child may be confused. Your child's behavior will be better if all caregivers support the rules in the same way. This is true for parents, grandparents, or any other caregivers in your child's life.
When family rules are consistently enforced, this provides stability and predictability, and children’s behavior tends to respond positively. It is normal for children to break rules and test limits. Consistent follow-through with consequences when rules are broken helps your child have a clear understanding of the importance of rules.
Not all broken rules occur because kids are testing the limits. Young kids sometimes break rules because they simply forget, but our responses should be the same no matter the reason for breaking the rule. The consequences for not following the rules should be clear to you and your child and given immediately.
Offer encouragement and reminders
When you see your child following the rules, you can let them know you see them making good choices by providing a labeled praise. Labeled praise lets your child know exactly what they have done that you liked. The praise should occur as soon as you notice your child’s behavior. Praise should be used a lot when you create a new rule to help your child get used to this new expected behavior.
Toddlers and preschoolers also need frequent reminders about the rules. Rules should be repeated often. You can place reminders, such as rules charts, in places where everyone can see them. Good locations to place rule charts include the refrigerator door or on another door that everyone uses.
The family rules chart should contain at least two columns: the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules. Pictures or visual cues can be used on charts for toddlers and preschoolers because many cannot read.
Tips
There are several tips that can help all family members be consistent with following and enforcing rules.
Parents or caregivers can:
- Talk about what rules would help their family and agree on which ones to set.
- Talk with other adults who care for their children about the rules to make sure everyone knows.
- Post the rules in the house so everyone can see them.
- Remind children about the rules by repeating them and creating a rule chart.
- Ask all caregivers to be consistent in monitoring and enforcing the rules.