Key points
- Give simple, clear directions your child can understand.
- Tell your child what to do, not just what to stop doing.
- Check if they listened and follow through every time.
- Practice often and praise your child when they listen.
Overview
Toddlers and preschoolers are exploring and discovering their world. They are also learning about what behaviors are ok and not okay. A positive relationship is your most important tool for getting your child to listen and follow directions.
It is also important to give clear directions that fit your child's age. Good directions can help you have positive daily interactions with your child and help teach your child how to behave.
Tips
Provide clear directions to encourage good behavior
When you give clear directions, you tell your child exactly what behaviors you expect. For example, you might say, "Please walk instead of running in the house." or "Please sit so that I can put on your shoes." Avoid saying, "Stop it!", "Quit!", or "Don't do that!" These statements are vague and do not clearly tell your child what behavior you would like them to do.
Encourage positive choices
When giving directions, focus on encouraging positive choices rather than just focusing on discouraging negative ones unless the situation is unsafe. When guiding your child toward a specific action or behavior, offer them two choices using simple language to encourage their independence.
For example, if you want your child to get dressed, you can give them two choices by saying, "Please put on the gray pants or the blue ones." Avoid overwhelming your child with too many choices. Providing just two options is often enough.
Provide clear directions to stop or prevent misbehavior
Clear directions are also helpful when you need to stop your child from misbehaving or doing something dangerous. For example, if your child is standing on a chair, you can say, "Please sit with your bottom on the chair." If your child is dangerously tipping the chair back, you can say, "Please keep the chair on the floor."
Clear directions can also prevent misbehaviors. For example, if you see that your child is about to throw a toy, you can give them a direction to prevent the behavior. You might say, "Please put the toy on the floor gently." The direction lets your child know what behavior you expect from them. Anytime you give a direction, use consequences if your child does not listen.
When you are first learning to give clear directions, it is helpful to ask yourself if you have the time and energy to follow through with a consequence. For consequences to work, you need to follow through with the consequences each time. Visit Responding to Behavior to learn more about consequences.
Practice, practice, practice
Giving good directions is a skill that is not always easy, and practice will help. It is normal for children not to follow directions some of the time and it will take some time for your child to learn that you mean what you say. Practice when you have time to follow through if your child does not listen. Remember to provide your child with praise when they do follow your directions.
Steps for giving directions
Giving good directions takes practice. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Make sure your child hears and pays attention to your direction. This means that you will need to be close to your child and make eye contact. You may need to say your child's name. It is sometimes helpful to squat or sit next to your child, so you are on the same level and face-to-face.
Be sure the direction fits your child's age. For example, a two-year-old can take your hand before crossing the street, but they can't mop the floor. Remember that inability is not the same as disobeying. Be specific in your directions and make it a statement rather than asking if your child wants to do something. Questions give your child the option to refuse.
Clearly state what behavior you want your child to do and avoid using vague words like "No", "Don't," Quit," or "Stop." If you're unsure how to stop a misbehavior, think of the opposite behavior and communicate that. For example, if your child is banging a toy car on the table, say, "Please don't hit the table. Try pushing the car gently like this." Then show them how to do it.
Additional tips for giving good directions:
- Give one direction at a time. Toddlers and preschoolers have a very short attention span, so it's best to give one instruction at a time. This helps them remember and follow through with each direction.
- Use a neutral tone. Avoid raising your voice or repeating directions if your child doesn't immediately comply. Provide directions in a firm but calm voice without yelling or pleading.
- Be polite and respectful. Model good manners by being polite and respectful when giving directions. Start with words like "please" and maintain eye contact while using a calm voice.
- Use gestures. Gestures can provide visual cues about what is expected. For example, if you say, "Please put the toys on the floor in your toy box," you can point to the toys you want them to put away and then point to the toy box.
- Choose words carefully. The way you word directions can influence who your child thinks needs to act. Only use words like "let's" if you plan on helping them complete the task yourself.
- Offer choices when possible. Giving limited choices allows children to develop independence and decision-making skills. For example, let them choose between two options for getting dressed in the morning.
- Provide carefully timed explanations. Sometimes kids ask "why" before following a direction out of curiosity. To prevent this, explain before giving a direction. For example, say, "It's time to go to the store. Please put on your shoes." If your child keeps asking why, they might be stalling. Give a warning and follow through with a consequence if they don't put on their shoes.
In this step, you will be checking to see if your child followed your directions. Often, children will respond shortly after receiving the direction. If they comply, follow through with a positive consequence (see Step 4). If not, remain calm, get your child's attention, repeat the direction, and ensure they understand. Warn them of the consequence if they don't comply. If they still don't follow the direction, calmly follow through with the negative consequence as warned (see Step 4).
Determining if your child has followed your direction may not always be easy, even with clear directions and age-appropriate expectations. Here are some examples:
- Doing something slightly different. Sometimes children respond to directions in a slightly different way than was expected by the parent. For example, a parent might tell a child to put their crayons in the closet, but the child puts their blocks in the closet instead. This is considered not following directions as long as you are sure that your child knows the difference between the crayons and the blocks.
- Dawdling or stalling. When children delay or say, "in a minute," it's an example of not following directions. If your child is taking a long time to follow the direction, check to make sure that they understand the direction you gave.
- Pretending not to hear. Children may ignore directions to avoid doing them. Repeat once with a warning of the negative consequence and consider it non-compliance if there's no response.
- Following part of the direction. Children might only do part of what you asked. For example, if you tell them to put their toys away, they might only put away some toys, like blocks, but leave others out. If this happens, they might not understand what "put toys away" means. You can help by saying, "Great job putting away your blocks. Now, put away the other toys too." Keep guiding them like this until they understand.
- Following directions with a bad attitude. Children may sometimes follow the direction but with a bad attitude. Since they still followed the direction, you can choose to ignore the attitude and focus on the positive behavior. When you have a calm response, you teach your child how to handle frustration appropriately.
- Undoing. Children may test the limits by initially complying, but then undoing it. For example, you tell your child to put their toys in the toy box. Your child puts the toys away but then decides to pull two trucks back out of the box. To prevent this, provide specific directions that clarify expectations. You might say, "Put all of the toys in the toy box and leave them in the box."
Always follow through with consequences if your child does not follow directions. Consequences can be positive or negative. Positive consequences show your approval, like labeled praises or giving high-fives. Negative consequences show your disapproval, like delay or loss of a privilege.
If your child does not follow your direction, give one warning and explain the consequence for not following the direction. For example, say, "Please pick up your toys or you can't go play outside." As your directions get better and your child learns to follow your directions, use warnings less often.
Warnings and repeating directions teach your child they do not have to listen the first time you give a direction. Visit Responding to Behavior for more information about consequences.