Key points
- Child-led play builds independence, confidence, and parent-child connection.
- Use age-appropriate, safe toys.
- Practice daily, consistent playtime.
- Praise, imitate, describe, and reflect to show attention and support.
- Limit questions, directions, and criticism; ignore minor misbehavior.
Overview
Child-led play is an opportunity for your child to take the lead, which helps them become more independent and builds confidence. Participating in child-led play also offers opportunities to strengthen your connection. You can also use this time to practice active listening and imitation and description. The more you practice the skills, the easier it is to use them in everyday situations.
Toys and activities for child-led play
Use toys or activities that encourage your child to be creative. For example, blocks, crayons, and paper are some toys and supplies that allow your child to use their imagination. If a toy moves and plays by itself, it is probably not a good idea to use it during child-led play.
Make sure to use toys and activities that are safe for and the right skill level for your child. Child scissors, plastic pots and pans, and large plastic blocks are good choices for young children. Avoid toys with small detachable parts for very young children. With young children, you may want to use larger blocks because they are easier for younger children to hold and put together.
Tips for child-led play
Begin with at least five minutes of child-led play. When parents first start using description, imitation, and active listening, they may find it takes a lot of energy and focus. Feeling this way is ok. Try slowly increasing the amount of time you spend with your child in child-led play as your skill level improves.
Try to make child-led play happen at the same time each day. You and your child will enjoy it more when you choose a time when you can focus on having fun, you are not distracted by other activities, and when the time is predictable. Incorporate child-led play even if your child has had a bad day. This time will give your child the chance to connect with you.
Let your child know what you like about what they are doing. When you praise behaviors you like, your child will do those behaviors more often. Make the praise specific, so your child knows exactly what you like. Use hugs, high-fives, a pat on the head, or a pat on the back to give more power to your praise.
Copy or mimic things your child does or things they say and talk in as much detail as possible about what they are doing. Imitation and description show your child you are interested in what they are doing and that they have your full attention.
Enthusiasm lets your child know you are enjoying your time with them. If you are unsure how to show enthusiasm, think about how your child reacts when they get a new toy and try to act that way. When you have fun, they'll have fun too.
Reflect or repeat back what your child says. Watch their behavior and reflect what you think they are feeling. When you reflect your child's words and feelings, you show you are actively listening.
When you ask your child something and expect a response, you are asking a question. When we ask questions, we lead the conversation. Our questions may also suggest that we are not paying attention or that we disagree with what our child is doing. For example, asking, “Wouldn’t you rather play with the blocks?” suggests you do not want to play with the toy your child has chosen. Asking “Why are you doing that?” suggests that your child is doing something wrong.
Remember, the child should be in the lead during child-led play. Directions tell your child what to do or guide their activities. Directions can be obvious requests such as "Hand me that crayon" or less obvious requests such as "How about using the pink one now?" Directions take the lead away from your child. If your child does what you tell them to do, they are not making the decisions about the activity.
Criticisms show you do not approve of something your child is doing. Criticisms often include words like “No,” “Don’t,” “Stop,” “Quit,” and “Not.” For example, you might say to your child, who is using a blue crayon and describes it as purple: “That’s not blue. You are using a purple crayon.” Criticism can also be more obvious: “Stop. You’re making a mess.”
If children are criticized often, it can cause self-esteem problems. Parents often have to set boundaries and keep their children safe and need to use words like “Stop,” “No,” and “Don’t” throughout the day. However, avoiding these words during child-led play helps you and your child have time to focus more on the positive.
Ignore minor challenging behaviors like whining that happen during child-led play. If your child is doing something dangerous or destructive, stop the behavior immediately and use a consequence like time out or removal of a privilege. Learn more about responding to behavior.