Talking With Your Teen

Studies indicate that teens experiencing dating violence rarely seek help from their parents or other adults.¹ Instead, many choose to talk with friends. For this reason, you may want to consider starting the conversation with your teen, even if you think he or she is not ready to date, or if you feel uncomfortable with the topic. Remember, if your teen is not learning about dating from you, he or she may be learning about it from someone else who may not have your teen's best interests in mind.

Conversation Tips

The best time to talk with your teen about unhealthy dating relationships is before they start dating. Consider the following steps:

• Think about values and messages you want to pass along. Having your own answers to questions about dating will help you talk with your teen about healthy relationships and dating violence.
  
• Tell your teen that you want to talk. Let them know what you want to talk about. Find a time and a place that will allow you to be comfortable and relaxed.
  
• Make sure there are no distractions. It is best to talk when there is no competition for attention. So avoid having the conversation while doing something else like cooking or watching TV.
  
• Be honest. Be completely open and honest with your teen. Share your own dating experiences so that your teen knows you understand. It will help him or her remember that you were once the same age.
  
• Listen to what your teen is saying. Let him or her finish speaking, even if you do not agree with what is being said.
  
• Stay on topic. Your teen may want to avoid or change the subject, so keep the conversation on track by repeating your thoughts or asking questions.
  
• Stay levelheaded. If the conversation gets heated and your teen reacts in a way that you do not like (e.g., rolls his or her eyes or looks away), do not get upset or yell. Instead, take a deep breath, try to relax, and start talking again when you feel calm.
  
• Continue the conversation. After the initial discussion, if you feel that there are still things that need to be addressed, set a time and place to continue the conversation.
  
• Set a good example. Your teen may be observing you even when you do not know it, so make sure your actions match your words. Think through things before you speak, listen patiently, provide encouragement, and treat everyone with respect. Never interrupt, call people names, or lash out at others.
  
  

Set Rules and Limits about Dating

When it comes to your teen and dating, you may wish to set and enforce some clear, sensible ground rules that are appropriate for your teen's age. Consider involving your teen in setting these rules. You may also want to meet the parents of your teen's friends so that you can get to know them and discuss your family's dating rules. Some rules to consider include:

• Set an age when your teen can date and be clear with him or her about it. Stand by the age you have set for dating and resist giving in to pressure from your teen.
  
• Set and enforce curfews.
  
• Request that dates be introduced prior to the date.
  
• Before your teen leaves home, get details of the date (such as who is driving, whether it is a group activity or double date).
  
• Dates should be allowed to spend time at home only when a parent or guardian is present. Dates should not be allowed in a room in the house with the door closed.
  
• Limit online interaction and establish timing on when texting/IMing should stop each night.